By Katrina Rasbold
I miss the days when being irritated with someone meant I was irritated with someone. These days, apparently, I need to examine why this person triggers me, determine what they’re mirroring back to me, identify the unhealed wound they’ve activated, journal about my response, pull three Tarot cards, take a cleansing bath, and investigate whether the whole mess originated with my maternal ancestors.
I was hoping to just call them an asshole and get on with my afternoon.
Welcome to shadow work.
To be clear, I have nothing against introspection. I’ve been wandering around the Pagan and magical communities for long enough to know that examining our own baggage can be extraordinarily useful. Sometimes the people and situations that provoke the biggest reactions in us really are poking at something deeper. Sometimes patterns repeat because we haven’t figured out why we keep participating in them. Sometimes the call really is coming from inside the house.
But I’m beginning to suspect we’ve reached the point where simply being a moderately flawed human being requires an exhaustive continuing education program, striving for perfection and folks, I’m just tired here.
The Pagan Homework Industrial Complex
We Pagans are remarkably good at assigning ourselves homework. Something uncomfortable happens and out comes the journal. Then the Tarot deck. Then the oracle deck because apparently Tarot’s answer wasn’t specific enough. Then meditation, a ritual bath, maybe a cord cutting, and perhaps some ancestral work. We could probably squeeze in a little inner-child work before dinner.
By bedtime, an irritating encounter at the grocery store has become a seven-part spiritual development program with suggested reading and a grimoire full of Cliff Notes.
I admire the commitment. I also occasionally want to confiscate everyone’s journals. Just for an afternoon. Because I’m not convinced every emotion needs to be interviewed.
“What are you here to teach me, frustration?”
Frustration: “That the printer is a piece of shit.”
Sometimes the answer really is that simple.
My Trigger Has a First and Last Name
One of the more interesting ideas to gain traction in spiritual circles is that if someone bothers us, we should immediately look inward. Why does this person upset me? What are they reflecting? What quality in them am I refusing to acknowledge in myself?
Those can be useful questions. But I’d like to suggest another possibility.
Gary is annoying.
I don’t know Gary, so apologies to all the perfectly lovely Garys reading this. I’m sure you’re delightful, well-loved, and a gifted mage. For this discussion, let’s talk about Hypothetical Gary, who clearly is not you, Gary.
Hypothetical Gary interrupts everyone, chews with his mouth open, explains things nobody asked him to explain, and responds to every story with a longer story about himself. You don’t dislike Gary because he is mirroring your shadow. You dislike Gary because he talked over you seventeen times, you’ve spent forty-five minutes listening to him describe his new lawn mower, and he still hasn’t asked you a single question.
This does not necessarily indicate an unresolved childhood wound. It may indicate that you would like Gary to shut up.
And that’s okay. We are allowed to dislike people. People are allowed to dislike us. Not every personality fits comfortably against every other personality. We don’t need to diagnose that, heal it, spiritualize it, or discover which past-life contract caused it. Sometimes two people just shouldn’t sit next to each other at dinner.
Sometimes You Are the Problem
Of course, there’s another possibility. Sometimes Gary isn’t the problem. Sometimes it’s us.
This is where shadow work earns its keep. Maybe we were rude. Maybe we were jealous. Maybe we reacted disproportionately. Maybe someone said something perfectly reasonable and we responded as though they’d challenged us to ritual combat at dawn.
That happens.
But even then, I’m not sure we always need twelve pages of journaling and a waning-moon ceremony. Sometimes we can just say:
“Wow. I was an asshole. I’m sorry.”
Remarkably powerful magic, the sincere apology.
No supplies required.
Not Every Bad Feeling Is a Summons
I wonder sometimes if we’ve become uncomfortable with allowing uncomfortable feelings to simply exist. Sadness must lead to healing. Anger must reveal a wound. Jealousy must uncover insecurity. Exhaustion means we’re out of alignment. Frustration means the universe is redirecting us. Restlessness means transformation is coming.
Or perhaps we’re sad because something sad happened. Angry because someone behaved badly. Jealous because another person has something we want. Exhausted because we didn’t sleep enough. Frustrated because the printer is still a piece of shit.
Human emotions aren’t necessarily riddles. Sometimes they’re just weather. They arrive. They make things unpleasant for a while. Then they move through.
Pagans, of all people, should understand weather and its impact.
Please Put Down the Journal
Again, I’m not suggesting we stop examining ourselves. Self-awareness is valuable. Healing is valuable. Recognizing our patterns and our triggers is valuable. Taking responsibility for the ways we hurt ourselves and other people is extremely valuable.
But there is a subtle difference between self-awareness and treating ourselves like perpetual renovation projects. There’s always another wall to knock down, another room to remodel, another crack to repair, another layer to peel back, another shadow lurking behind the spiritual water heater. Anyone can easily become the Sarah Winchester of shadow work.
At what point are we allowed to live in the house?
I’ve accumulated enough years to know that I still have flaws. Some of them I’ve worked on. Some I’ve made peace with. Some occasionally wander back into the living room wearing slippers and announce that they still live here like your least favorite brother-in-law (likely named “Gary”).
I suspect that’s called being human.
Maybe We’re Not Supposed to Finish
Perhaps that’s the part of shadow work we don’t talk about enough. There isn’t necessarily a graduation ceremony. We don’t eventually receive a certificate announcing:
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW COMPLETELY SELF-AWARE AND EMOTIONALLY RESOLVED.
If such a certificate exists, I don’t personally know anyone who has received one.
We’re complicated creatures. We carry histories, habits, fears, strengths, wounds, contradictions, and occasionally some really stupid opinions. We learn. We change. We screw up. We apologize. We try again.
Sometimes we uncover something profound about ourselves. Sometimes we realize we’ve been repeating the same pattern for twenty years. Sometimes we discover an old wound that genuinely needs attention.
And sometimes…we need lunch.
That’s the part I’m trying to remember. Not everything needs to become spiritual homework. Some things deserve deep examination. Some things deserve healing. Some things deserve an apology. Some things deserve to be laughed at. Some things deserve to be left alone.
And some things deserve a sandwich and an early bedtime.
I’ll get back to my shadow work tomorrow.
Probably.
Unless Gary calls. Because seriously, fuck Gary.
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As Editor of the Green Egg Blog, Katrina Rasbold weaves ancient wisdom into the complexities of modern life, fostering a space for deep inquiry and magical growth. Katrina is the editor of Green Egg Magazine, a priestess, author, and co-creator of the CUSP path, working from the crossroads of tradition and transformation. She owns and operates Crossroads Occult with her husband, Eric, offering a sanctuary for those seeking mentorship, quality handmade magical items, and authentic craft. Discover her full body of work at www.katrinarasbold.com.